Zack’s Room

To Zack, the world is a kaleidoscopic abyss of fear, anxiety, despair, and longing.  At best, we enjoy fleeting moments of semi-contentment, usually drug-induced, and usually staring Macaluey Caulkin or Chucky.

While this may mean that life is needlessly difficult for Zack, it also means his bedroom is exceptionally sweet.  It is a museum to any movie, musician, TV show or scrap of pop culture excess that has somehow managed to penetrate the veil of sadness that smothers his existence.

Zack’s bedroom is primarily decorated in shades of Chucky Doll, with Tom Petty and Mitch Hedberg accents.  There are tributes to his favorite Paris Hilton ventures and relics from his theatrical support of the Saw franchise.

Most awesome is the laser light show.  Zack’s got probably thirty lights and a fog machine all hooked up to a remote control, which he wields like a conductor as he dances to Phish and 2 Live Crew.

One of the lights recreates the cosmos on the ceiling, down to the last swirling nebulous and shooting stars.  Zack’s especially proud of his new green laser, which until recently had been outside of his prices range.  There are lights of every color, every intensity, every effect and every design.

When you smoke a joint in Zack’s room, he’ll always end up showing his favorite jokes from recent episodes of South Park and Saturday Night Live.  Most the time, he will have shown them to you before.  But it’s less about watching the guy fuck the giant fish than it is about the momentary joy that giant fish-fucking brings into Zack’s life.

Joints are a constant in Zack’s room.  He smokes more weed than anyone I’ve ever known.  At any given point, he’ll have twenty or thirty joints of different strands and qualities ready to light.  You should always bring your weed too, but Zack just smokes more than anyone else, so he’ll always end up passing you another joint, whether you want one or not.

As for munchies, Zack tends to favor foods that can be microwaved and dunked in catsup.  Depending on the latest chapter in their tumultuous relationship, Zack either loves or hates Del Taco.  It’s closest and cheapest, so if they’re on good terms, that’s probably where you’ll cruise to.  Failing that, probably Rally’s or Carl’s Jr.

If you’d like to contact Zack about hanging out and smoking a joint in his room, just send him an email…


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